Workshop feedback: Paul

TORDA'S FALL 2025 TEACHING SITE

Workshop feedback: Paul

12/10/2025

Paul Sweeney

12/10/2025 01:57:26 pm

For me, the main core of the story I want to keep is the lack of understanding about what's happened here in the narrator's childhood. There will not be an answer to what happened to Evan and what Mrs. Wendell did or did not see, and that's part of the intention of the story. At the same time, I do not want to portray Mrs. Wendell herself as villainous, just because I find that trope is both a bit tired and too easy. I think the subversion is more interesting.

Mostly I want feedback on the general structure of the story as well as what details ought to be crystallized. This first draft was mostly written on the fly and I was trying to discover the story, and I think I've reached it: The idea of a childhood disappearance attributed to a seemingly creepy old lady but which was actually caused by an unknown entitty of some kind. I found that idea while writing it and I think it should be expanded upon.

I think more foreshadowing towards the beginning could help, and maybe establishing the framing device a bit more strongly to put the reader in a more clear headspace. Though I want to keep the ultimate answer obfuscated, I think some details could be fleshed out.

Anna

12/10/2025 02:19:09 pm

1) What do you like, what is working for you as a reader, where are there places you'd read more if it was appropriate? Why is this so great?
Something I am loving about this piece is the voice. I truly feel like I'm being read a story, and this voice is familiar to me, like I might be hanging out with a friend. I think this could really boost the piece as well if you're adding a mystical element, because the speaker grounds us in normalcy and relatability, which could bring a fun contrast to entities and strangeness.
2) Where is it dragging for you as a reader? Or not making sense? Or just not working? Why and what could the writer do to fix it?
Something that I think is pulling me out of the story is the constant discrediting of Mrs. Wendell as a villain. If we are leaving the last line of the piece, which I think you should because it's very engaging, I would like to see both the entity you are designing at play as well as leaning into the narrative about Mrs. Wendell. The speaker seems to say she's creepy, then say she's not, then say that they regret not being kinder to her. Where are each of these thoughts coming from? How did the speaker rationalize each one? I saw I.S. comment about scenic writing helping out the piece and I want to second that, I think a lot of these questions can be answered through scene.
3) Consider the genre, audience, and purpose that the writer is producing this text for. Does it work given those considerations? If you were to position this among other examples of the genre, does it seem to fit? Why, why not, and what could the writer do about it?
I am thinking about the accessibility of some of the references in the writing and I am guessing that this story is intended for people in their mid-to-late twenties. I think that because of this, you can lean more into creepiness, work more towards building suspense outside of Mrs. Wendell being semi-creepy. I also think that if you are considering foreshadowing an unknown entity, you might want to think about what that is, what power it has, even just on a surface level, so that way you can bring it into the piece believably. For example, if the entity has something to do with the house, maybe emphasize the characteristics of the house, give us sensory descriptions of it, let us know that something is off.

12/10/2025 02:49:52 pm

I have one main suggestion to consider as you revise this for a final piece but I'm going to break it into a few parts. I think I get that you are trying to tell a kind of horror story which is the horror of the ordinary and the not knowing. So I think in a revision you really want to run with that. I think this piece should be shorter by about half. And I think that you want to tell it in the most matter of fact way you can--which you sort of do, but you kind of waffle--maybe she was scary. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe Evan was killed. Maybe he wasn't. I think you make it a more direct line: harmless old woman living at the end of the street that you felt sad for. Parents telling you to leave her alone and as a young kid feeling like it was for sinister reasons but sort of understanding it was more like don't bug the poor old woman. The fun snow day--this hsould be a scene and a little more visual. And then Evan dissapears. Then I would insert a paragraph where we witness the parents of Evan's direct grief and the fear that would grip parents of the rest of you (again through the eyes of a child but the voice of a grown narrator) and then a paragraph of the children making up the craziest ideas of what Mrs. Wendell did to Evan. Perhaps how she becomes even more isolated and a shunned by the neighborhood. And then a last paragraph that tells us that Evan was never found. that Mrs Wendell died. And they find the cap. The horror comes in the not knowing and how directly the story is told.

I.S.

12/10/2025 02:24:23 pm

1) I like the characterization of the protagonist/narrator, Mrs. Wendell, and Evan because they’re each very distinct characters and I get a strong sense of who they are and what they’re like. I particularly enjoy how the protagonist and Evan are opposites, possibly acting as foils to one another. I also like the first paragraph of page 3 as it comes the closest to being in scene when describing how the kids are dressed in warm winter clothes for the snow day. My favorite line is probably “he used his real name for his NeoPets account, basically all the stuff I didn’t ever think of doing” (3). The protagonist finding this to be “bad boy” behavior is humorous while also showing how young they are.

2) I enjoy the premise and setting of the story, but I felt as though most of the story was being told to me rather than shown. It might be more effective to begin the story in scene, such as at the beginning of the snow day and slow down the progression of the plot by focusing in on the five senses to keep the story in scene with exposition interspersed throughout. I also think it could strengthen the story to give the protagonist more agency. It seems like all this stuff is happening around them, but they’re not directly involved or actually participating in the narrative, kind of like an observer or bystander to the action.

3) The horror element of the story works in terms of plot. I think the lack of scene may be taking away from the tension as it adds distance between the reader and the story. Without context, I didn’t think of the possibility of an entity, though. So, some more clues or mentions of something supernatural going on might be beneficial.

Alexandra O'Brien

12/10/2025 02:24:24 pm

The first thing I would like to respond to is using a framing device - consider the ending of your story first. If it ends with murder, or a disappearance, or the narrator's story makes it to TV and the news - then maybe have the narrator be telling his story on live television or to an interviewer..... Or maybe he ends up crazy from the whole experience and is telling this story to a fellow psych ward patient! These are creative suggestions but I think you have a lot of room to play with this framing device and to add to the story with it as well.

I would also like to say you do a good job at making sure the old lady is creepy but just creepy enough - you leave room for a sort of reasonable doubt of what happened ot Evan, you have managed to subvert my expectations as a reader, and the story was really working for me! You could take this anywhere and I would believe you, it seems casual and believable enough at this point where you can make anything happen. You especially made me curious when you said Mrs. Wendell passed away - it hinted to me that there may be some sort of 3rd party involved in this chaos!

Alexandra O'Brien PT 2

12/10/2025 02:30:25 pm

1) With all of that being said I really liked the story. You do a good job at having me wanting to know more, and believing what you have already revealed to me as a reader. I would love to know what is going on around your narrator right NOW - where is he, at what time, how many years has it been since this creepy old lady story occurred? I think this also could play into your framing device, where he is narrating the story from in the now.
2) It felt to drag for me a bit around the parts of Evans disappearance. I made little notes where it felt repetitive but it wasn't dragging a lot - I still thought the writing was really good. maybe just less of repeating similar points on the old lady would help with this.
3) I feel that this is a good beginning for something in horror. For me it is working, you're doing a good job at showing there is tension and conflict with lots of potential for trouble.

Nina

12/10/2025 02:26:45 pm

1) What do you like, what is working for you as a reader, where are there places you'd read more if it was appropriate? Why is this so great?

This story is soooo creepy and I really got into it while reading. I think the horror-factor is working, this is certainly a scary story. I was definitely pulled in the most once the investigation started for Evan, that I think was the strongest part of the story. While the context leading up to that point was helpful, I might suggest revisiting and seeing what parts are needed and what other parts seem more like filler.

2) Where is it dragging for you as a reader? Or not making sense? Or just not working? Why and what could the writer do to fix it?

I left some comments on the draft you sent, but I would say that my biggest critique would be to make sure the storyline is flowing smoothly. There were a few places where the storyline contradicted something that was said prior in the story, so I think re-reading it to check on the flow would be beneficial. Alexandra, Isabella, and I all left comments in the places where we noticed this, so I would definitely consider those comments. Other than some grammatical errors that I left some suggestions on, I see no issues with this piece!

3) Consider the genre, audience, and purpose that the writer is producing this text for. Does it work given those considerations? If you were to position this among other examples of the genre, does it seem to fit? Why, why not, and what could the writer do about it?

I don’t think you have to worry about the genre, it is spot on to the horror story you intended to write. I literally was creeped out while reading, which I hope you take as a compliment. I am very interested in seeing how the final revision looks. Fantastic job, Paul!!!

Ashley

12/10/2025 02:48:24 pm

I also really appreciated the strong voice throughout this piece! My favorite lines were the ones that were distinctly kid–like, and I think this worked really well to make the references (like “NeoPets”) fit perfectly into the narrative. Hearing this story from a kid’s perspective, particularly one who is close in age with Evan, really added to the mystery for me; it could’ve easily been the narrator or anybody else in that situation.

I think showing, rather than telling, could really enhance the mystery of this story. I think this could really help the characterization of each character shine through because we as readers will be able to draw the conclusions about the type of person each character is, rather than them being told to us. I’d love to see the characters interact with each other and their situations a bit more so we can really get into their heads about their neighborhood and the situation at hand. I think this could be especially beneficial to do with your narrator because they are such a likeable character, and I’d love to get more information about them.

The horror element shines through throughout the piece, and I appreciate that a lot! I think building more scenes, as well as showing more of the action and its impact on characters, would be really beneficial in further developing your piece’s connection to its genre. I think showing that something is off earlier on and more consistently throughout the piece could really benefit readers’ experience, and I was already captivated by what you already have!

Glen Beaulieu

12/10/2025 03:50:40 pm

Hi Paul!

I love your style of horror and voice. It's feels so reminiscent of the creepypastas you and I grew up reading, so I really appreciate that! I think your approach in this piece is very interesting; I love that you seem to enjoy more slow-burn horror. This feels so real, so much like stories that I remember my friends and I hearing about about specific places and people.

I think my main critique for your piece is that, frankly, I think you spend a ton of time in this sort of in between space regarding Mrs. Wendell and Evan. I really liked that this story was based in the narrator's uncertainty, and the horror that comes with not knowing, but I feel like you spend a lot of time pointing out the fact that our narrator doesn't know, you know? I also agree with Isabella with her comments on showing vs telling and character agency. This story reminded me a lot of the classic ghost story setup, where someone is recounting this story to a group of people around a fireplace, but then we kind of never leave that space, you know? I think Isabella's advice would be a great way to make this piece even stronger.

Workshop feedback: Paul

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