Workshop Feedback: Glen

TORDA'S FALL 2025 TEACHING SITE

Workshop Feedback: Glen

12/10/2025

Glen Beaulieu

12/10/2025 02:05:56 pm

As I may have mentioned when I initially proposed a story for my final project, I really want to get back into the habit of writing fiction as a hobby. I'm still learning to be a good reader, which I hope will eventually make me a decent writer as well. All that is to say that I'm trying a lot of new things in this draft, especially in regards to imagery and dialogue. I'm pretty confident in being able to convey the tone of the story I want to write, but I'm nervous about practically everything else. Some of you have already very kindly pointed out the lack of conflict in this piece, but I think I have a really good direction to go in for that. My main focus is on whether or not I am being effective in my characters and imagery. Are you able to have a clear image of where the characters are in space? How they interact with it? Move through it? Does it make sense? Do you have a good idea of what the world is like so far? Am I missing any important details you think are needed? Do my characters feel like real people? I purposely made Kincaid kind of a creepy, flat, and grimy person (because, well, he is), but does that work for you? Do you get a good sense of what Kincaid is feeling in the moment? An idea of his personality? Anything like that would be super helpful.

12/10/2025 02:31:06 pm

Glen--

You are a strong writer and you see it here. This piece reads easily and is filled with enough interesting small moments that it keeps me flying through it. To answer one of your very big questions: yes, I understand that our main character Kincaid is perhaps an unlikely hero and that there is something totally seedy and gross about what he is getting himself into.

In terms of genre, I see that as a bit of homage to Blade Runner and a variety of other sci fi movies (minority report comes to mind) and perhaps, if you've seen it, the short lived British series Humans. With the way VR and robotics AI all of it is entering our world, this is a story that feels dangerous and scary because it's not so far off from what is possible.

If I had two suggestions it would be this: 1) I would like to know something about this world beyond this atmosphere. YOu capture the mood for sure, and you don't want long moments of exposition that situate the world, but understanding in a bit more detail where we are (earth?) in place and time would be helpful--and a convention of the genre.

And then, as you pointed out, I don't really know what the story is about at this point. It's all and only character and atmosphere. I know it's early on in the piece, but unless this is a novel, we'll want to know a bit about what is at stake--at least hints of it-- earlier on. That will be the thing that, of course, keeps us reading.

Goofy small thing, Pink Chrome is a kick ass name, but watch how many times you use the name in sentences. There are a few words, in general, where I feel that. So just a thing to look at.

Anna

12/10/2025 02:33:13 pm

1) What do you like, what is working for you as a reader, where are there places you'd read more if it was appropriate? Why is this so great?
Holy cow Glen!! What a cool piece. I am getting major Blade Runner 2049/Black Mirror vibes, but in a very unique way that gives you your own props as a writer. You mentioned above that you were worried about audience perception of where characters are in space/time, but I think you accomplished that really well. I feel like I can so clearly see Kincaid moving throughout the city, especially with the description of the hologram dancing and the wrapped car with the broken beer. I think that your scenic writing is the best part of this piece so far so I definitely would keep up with that.
2) Where is it dragging for you as a reader? Or not making sense? Or just not working? Why and what could the writer do to fix it?
I think the only part where I am kind of unsure about is the exclusivity of the VR world. Marcus seems relatively uninformed about it beyond the fact that Kincaid goes there often, so I am intrigued by the customer base of Pink Chrome. I also think that there could be more pulled from the top of page three, where it is mentioned that Kincaid has been waiting for weeks, and that he felt like he deserved the time at Pink Chrome. Was he waiting because he was scrounging up money? Did he have other responsibilities? I think this may help aid your concerns about Kincaid being a full enough character.
3) Consider the genre, audience, and purpose that the writer is producing this text for. Does it work given those considerations? If you were to position this among other examples of the genre, does it seem to fit? Why, why not, and what could the writer do about it?
I would say that the genre is very aptly followed - like I said I immediately connected this piece to other futuristic sci-fi media, which is a telltale sign that it's working in your favor, because I find that much of sci-fi operates in this way (for example, Stranger Things is FULL of sci-fi callbacks and references). I don't have a lot of improvements to suggest as far as genre, other than to make sure you keep up the images you've created and keeping track of the ideas you're introducing (Pink Chrome, drug usage, pleasure district, etc.) Great work!!

Paul Sweeney

12/10/2025 02:59:03 pm

I found this very engaging to read. Cyberpunk can often be a very dense genre in terms of prose (as much as I loved Neuromancer I hardly knew what was happening a lot of the time), so I found your writing refreshingly accessible without feeling watered down. I could identify that this was a cyberpunk setting very easily without you directly saying it anywhere, which is already a good sign. Personally I don't mind the lack of an immediate, obvious conflict here because this is clearly setting things up. Besides, when it comes to your first real draft of a story, oftentimes you don't come to understand what your story is about until you've written most of it, maybe even more than once.

I think the use of names is a bit repetitive, which is often a problem I find in writing. It isn't a major issue but trusting your reader to understand who/what you're talking about when you've just mentioned a name is always better for the flow of a sentence, unless you're doing something intentional or specific with it. Overall I found this engaging and I think the idea of a virtual reality setting is always fun to play around with, especially considering how horrifying the consequences of it going wrong can be. I love the description of the Pink Chrome's pleasure chamber. It's very sterile in a way that makes practical sense whil also making it feel eerie and uninviting, and the 3D advertisement showing off what kind of "experiences" you can have with it is a great touch that feels very Bladerunner.

Nina

12/10/2025 02:40:21 pm

1) What do you like, what is working for you as a reader, where are there places you'd read more if it was appropriate? Why is this so great?

Glen. The whole thing was great. If this were a published novel, I’d still be reading it until I finished it. Please tell me you will continue working on it. I know this is so the worst of me, but I see no overarching issues thus far.

2) Where is it dragging for you as a reader? Or not making sense? Or just not working? Why and what could the writer do to fix it?

I made one comment on the doc that highlighted a point of confusion. I think if you establish a little more clarity on what Pink Chrome is then you are all good!

3) Consider the genre, audience, and purpose that the writer is producing this text for. Does it work given those considerations? If you were to position this among other examples of the genre, does it seem to fit? Why, why not, and what could the writer do about it?

The genre is definitely some sort of dystopian fiction. This sounds like a strange society, definitely one that is big on using technology to make people’s lives “better,” but I can venture to guess that “better” may be a stretch in this world… I’m very interested to see where you go with this!

I.S.

12/10/2025 02:48:16 pm

The characters and imagery are strong! Immediately, I get a good sense of what type of world we’re in and what type of person Kincaid is. My favorite part is the first paragraph. You did an excellent job at establishing the setting and making it clear what’s going on. I mentioned this in my comment directly on the document, but your overall writing style is really engaging and I think it goes great with this type of story.

I’m not sure if this is just me and my personal preferences, but sometimes I feel slightly confused on where the characters are in space and how they move through it. I wonder if maybe cutting back on description could help? I love the description, but I think it might’ve been distracting at times because it didn’t seem to always be necessary to the narrative, if that makes sense. Again, I think this could be my personal preference though because I definitely see writing like this a lot and I know other people don’t always get confused by it like I do.

Regarding genre, this definitely works. I said this in the document, but I love how it reminds me so much of Cyberpunk. It fits really well within this type of writing and storytelling.

Alexandra O'Brien

12/10/2025 03:08:44 pm

GLEN! you do an amazing job at transporting your reader. In terms of genre and theme, I see your story's sci-fi, technological focus, and I absolutely love it. You do a great job of establishing where we are, and what we are doing, so amazing job in terms of donné. But now that we have established this main character in this place, we need a conflict, as you had said, or some emotional investment to drive the story forward. Conflict and tension, I feel, is what is missing. I think you can keep a lot of the story the way it is if you sprinkle potential conflict and tension into the right areas. And your note made about what you wanted to happen later on in the story is a great way to introduce some trouble into this story. My fiction workshop professor always says, "Why is this the day that is different?" , and it seems this trouble is what makes "today" different for your character... Maybe find a way to frontload a bit of that or hint at it. But wow, you have such potential here for a decent-length book - I really hope you get into it and see where this story takes you because your world building is chefs kiss:)

Ashley

12/10/2025 03:15:37 pm

This piece is so strong, and I appreciate its action and description so much! You do an excellent job of really immersing the readers in the setting, even in such a seemingly unfamiliar setting. For such a short piece in comparison to some book chapters I’ve read, you do such a great job of worldbuilding to the extent it is necessary without it feeling redundant or out of place.

You do such a good job of orienting readers so they feel clear as to where they are and what’s happening around them, but I’m wondering if you could do this a bit stronger in relation to Kincaid. I see the beginnings of your description in the potential conflict on page 5, and I’d love to see that more developed either there or elsewhere in the piece. Who really is Kincaid, and why is he such a frequent flyer to Pink Chrome? Is he as much of a fraud as you emphasize through his fake jewelry? I’d love to see his character and the conflict developed as much as the detail throughout the rest of the piece to keep it balanced.

I’m not much of a sci-fi reader, but I could instantly tell its connection to the genre. I got such strong visuals as if I was reading a fantasy or sci-fi book that had a map or images to help orient readers, and I hope you take this as as strong of a compliment as I’m trying to convey! You are absolutely on the right track with genre, and I think some small tweaks to better represent the elements of fiction in this piece could do some good. You are off to such a strong start and I can’t wait to see where your piece takes you!

Workshop Feedback: Glen

Leave a Reply.

Torda and the 489s

Archives

Categories